A Simple Parenting Tool To Reframe “Difficult” Behavior

The fastest way to change a child’s behavior might be changing the story we tell ourselves about who they are. When we’re deep into summer routines and siblings are together all day, it’s easy to slip into labels like “messy,” “bossy,” “lazy,” “shy,” or “difficult” even if we never say the words out loud. Those labels don’t just describe our kids; they shape how we talk to them, how patient we feel, and what we expect to happen before anything even happens.

We’re also entering the Nine Days, a tender time for our people, when sadness and reflection sit alongside a real push toward ahavat chinam, loving others more generously. That includes our children. So I share a simple Jewish parenting tool that helps me stop and reset: when I catch a negative label in my mind, I ask, “What is the positive side of this trait?” The child who argues may care deeply about fairness. The child who seems stubborn may be courageous. The child who talks nonstop may be expressive and socially confident. The child who takes forever to get ready may be careful and thorough. This isn’t ignoring problems; it’s responding to the whole child while still teaching, guiding, and setting limits.

You’ll also hear a practical one-week challenge to try at home: pick one child, pick one label, identify the possible strength underneath, and spend a week looking for that strength in action. Kids are always growing and changing, and the way we see them can either trap them or help them become who they’re meant to be. If this helped you, subscribe, share the episode with another parent, and leave a review so more families can find it.

Transcript

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Welcome And The Nine Days

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hi everyone, welcome to Simply Jewish Parenting. I'm Adina Sakhloff, and today we are talking about the labels we give our kids. So now we are moving into the nine days, which is such a difficult time for our people, and it's a time where we are more sad, but we are also working on Avashinam on really loving our fellow Jew. That is really our job during the nine days, among other things. And of course, we could do this at

How Labels Sneak Into Parenting

SPEAKER_00 0:42

home. So I thought that this would be a great time to talk about how we could avoid labeling our children. Okay, so it is a summer, and often we are spending a lot of time with our children, and they're spending a lot of time with each other. Siblings are spending a lot of the time with each other, and we start noticing those behaviors that drive us a little crazy. Like maybe one child seems lazy or another seems bossy, or one is constantly arguing, another never picks up after themselves, and before we know it, we have created a label for that child. She's the stubborn one, he's my messy kid, she's so shy, he's always so difficult. We may not even say these things out loud, but we think them. Today

The Reframe: Find The Strength

SPEAKER_00 1:32

I want to share a simple parenting tool that has helped me look at my children differently. The tool is this: whenever you find yourself labeling a child negatively, ask yourself what is the positive side of this trait? Okay, we know as a Jewish people we are Amkshe Oref, but the positive side of that trait, that we are we are a stubborn people, we're still here. We have lived through so many difficult moments, but we are still here. So that is the positive side of that trait. Okay, now let's get back to our kids. So before you think I'm suggesting that we ignore problems, I'm not. If your child struggles with organization, if your child argues constantly, that can still be exhausting. But often underneath the behavior that's bothering us is a strength. And the child who argues may care deeply about fairness. The child who seems stubborn may be courageous and willing to stand up for what they believe. The child who talks nonstop may be expressive and socially confident.

How Labels Change Our Reactions

SPEAKER_00 2:39

The child who takes forever to get ready may be careful and thorough. So one of the reasons this matters is because children often see themselves through our eyes. When we constantly think of a child as difficult, we interact with them differently. Our patience becomes shorter, our tone becomes sharper. I know I've been there. We expect problems before they even happen. Children pick up on that. But when we start looking for strengths, something changes. We become more patient, more encouraging. I know it sounds hard to believe, but it's true. And children often respond to that change. I think summer is

A One-Week Strength Focus Challenge

SPEAKER_00 3:25

actually the perfect time to try this. So over the next few days, pick one child and one label you've attached to them. Maybe it's messy, maybe it's dramatic, maybe it's shy, or maybe it's stubborn. We like that one a lot. Then ask yourself what strength could be hiding underneath this behavior. For one week, challenge yourself to focus on that strength. Not the behavior, the strength. You don't have to ignore the behavior. You still teach, you still guide, you still set limits, but try seeing your child through a different lens. I think you'll be very surprised by what you actually see and by what you what actually happens.

Kids Change So Don’t Trap Them

SPEAKER_00 4:15

So before I finish, I want to leave you with one thought. Children are always growing and changing. The child who struggles today will not necessarily struggle tomorrow. The child who is shy today may become a wonderful listener and a deep thinker. The child who argues today may grow into someone who stands up for what's right. And the child who seems disorganized today may become a creative problem solver tomorrow. So let's be careful not to trap our children inside labels. They haven't finished outgrowing. Okay. Thank you so much for joining me today on Simply Jewish Parenting, where we work together to make family life more meaningful and manageable. And I hope that you have a meaningful nine days where you're able to really love

Closing Thoughts And Extra Resource

SPEAKER_00 5:13

your child unconditionally and love your fellow Jews unconditionally. Thank you so much. If you want more information on this topic, I wrote an article for Ace.com so you could check that out there. Thank you so much. Have a great day.