Why Kids Push Back On Advice

We explore why kids push back on advice and how a small shift in language preserves connection while strengthening guidance. We share simple phrases that lower resistance, move from telling to consulting, and open real conversations about safety and values.

• why unsolicited advice feels like control
• the child’s need for independence and autonomy
• permission to disagree as a pressure release
• moving from telling to consulting with questions
• inviting discussion on risky topics without lectures
• Jewish lens on guiding through relationship
• a one-sentence action step to try this week

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe to Simply Jewish Parenting so you don't miss future conversations about raising capable, connected children
And if you know another parent who feels stuck in constant pushback and resistance, share this episode with them

Chapters

• 0:00 Why Advice Triggers Pushback
• 0:38 The Need For Independence
• 2:24 Give Permission To Disagree
• 3:10 From Telling To Consulting
• 5:11 Invite Discussion, Not Lectures
• 6:10 Jewish Lens On Guidance
• 6:40 One Doable Action Step
• 7:10 Subscribe And Share

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:06

Why kids push back on advice and what it's really about. Have you ever given your child advice that you knew was good? Of course, all our advice is good. Only to be met with an eye roll, a sigh, or them doing the exact opposite. And you're thinking, I'm gonna help you. I've been on this planet longer. Why is this so hard? If that sounds familiar, you're not alone. And the pushback you're seeing isn't a parenting failure. It's actually a very normal part of child development. Welcome back to Simply Jewish Parenting, where we talk about real life parenting challenges through a grounded, thoughtful, and Jewish lens without yelling, guilt, or unrealistic expectations. I'm Adina. Today we're talking about why kids push back on advice and what it's really about underneath the surface. Because once we understand what's driving that resistance, we can respond in ways that preserve connection and help our children make better choices. Alright, so why does advice trigger pushback? Most parents want the same thing to protect our child, to guide them, to help them make good decisions. We have experienced perspective and real concern. So why does advice often land so badly? So here's the key idea. Children, especially as they grow, have a powerful need for independence. Jewish children in general have a powerful need for independence. Remember that Ankshe Oref, we are a stiff-necked people? Just like adults, children don't like being told what to do. And when advice comes unsolicited or sounds directed, it can feel less like support and more like control. And what children hear beneath the advice is you don't trust me, or you don't think I can handle this, or you don't believe in my judgment. And when that's the message they perceive, their system goes into defense mode. That is when you see the eye rolling, the arguing, the shutting down, or even risky behavior just to prove I could decide for myself. This doesn't mean we stop guiding our kids. It means how we offer advice matters just as much as what we say. One of the simplest and most powerful changes you can make is this: give your child permission to disagree. It's a brilliant way to manage this. When advice sounds like a command, kids feel pressure to defend themselves. But when we signal respect before we share the idea, we lower that pressure. And this can sound like, I'm not sure if you'll agree with me, or you might not like this idea, but or I could be wrong, these phrases or sentence starters send a powerful message. You are allowed to think differently. So let me give you an example. Instead of saying you need to wear something nicer to Zadie and Bobby's anniversary party, try, I'm not sure if you'll agree, but I was wondering if you might want to wear something a bit dressier. Or instead of do your homework before your piano lessons, try, you might not like this idea, but doing homework before piano might make the evening easier. What's interesting is that when kids don't feel the need to fight for independence, they often become more open to listening. Giving permission to disagree actually reduces resistance. You also might want to ask for their opinion. Powerful change is moving from telling to consulting. Children want to feel included in decisions that affect them, just like adults do. So when we ask for their opinion, advice becomes a conversation rather than a lecture. So some simple phrases, or again, sentence starters, are what do you think about that? Or how would you feel if, or do you think this would work? So, for example, instead of you'll have to wear your sweatshirt and fleece until you find your coat, try. What do you think about wearing a sweatshirt and fleece until your coat turns up? Or instead of you need to visit your aunt in the nursing home, you might want to try. How would you feel about visiting Aunt Martha today? Would that work for you? This doesn't mean we give up our values or authority. I am not about giving up our authority. Our children need us to be that authority figure in their life, but it means we acknowledge that our children are capable thinkers. And when kids feel hurt, they're far more open to guidance and more likely to internalize it. We also want to invite discussion instead of lecturing. This one is especially important when we're worried. When parents are anxious about safety, peer pressure, or risky behavior, it's very tempting to lecture, warn, or jump straight to rules. But heavy-handed warnings often backfire. Children feel accused, misjudged, or mistrusted. This leads them to shut down or keep things secret. A more effective approach is to invite discussion. That means introducing topics neutrally and asking what they think. For example, instead of saying, listen, don't get involved in dangerous things kids are doing these days, you might say, you know, I read an article about kids misusing marijuana. Have you heard about that? What do people your age think? This keeps the communication open. It shows trust and it tells your children, I believe you can think critically, and I'm here to talk, not interrogate. Connection is what keeps the door open. And this matters so much because Judaism places enormous value on guiding rather than controlling. Real guidance doesn't come from pressure, it comes from relationship. And when we combine trust, respect, and curiosity by allowing disagreement, by asking for opinions, by inviting conversation, we strengthen connection. And connection is what makes our guidance effective. All right, here's our takeaway action step for parents today. Here's one small doable step to try this week. The next time you feel the urge to give advice, plugs and add one sentence before it. Either you may not agree with this, or I'm curious what you think about. That single sentence can completely change how your words are received. You don't need to say less, you just need to say it differently. If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe to Simply Jewish Parenting so you don't miss future conversations about raising capable, connected children. And if you know another parent who feels stuck in constant pushback and resistance, share this episode with them. These ideas are simple, but they're powerful. And parenting is easier when we don't do it alone. Thanks for listening, and I'll see you next time on Simply Jewish Parenting.